Frequently Asked Questions
What is adoption?
Why do people choose adoption?
Why do some people think that adoption is bad?
What are the differences between an open and a closed adoption?
Is an open adoption confusing to my baby?
Are there any costs to me?
How do I go about choosing an adoptive family for my baby?
How will I know my baby is with a good family?
If I already had the baby or am in labor, can you work with me from the hospital?
What if my child has a disability or medical problem?
My child is older. Do you have families that are interested in older children?
What are my legal rights in adoption?
Do I have to tell the father of my baby?
What will my child be told about me and the adoption?
When I think of the baby I placed for adoption, how might I feel?
Will my child hate me for this decision?
How do I know that I won’t regret this decision?
What is the next step?
What is adoption?
Adoption is the loving act of birthparents (biological parents) that choose another family to raise their child. Adoption is a bond created through the love that birthparents and adoptive parents share for their child. Adoption is not selfish or irresponsible. Rather, it involves birthparents and adoptive parents working together to make a plan that is in the best interest of a child. Adoption is not foster care. It is a permanent placement of your child with adoptive parents whom you choose. It is a difficult choice, and you should not rush into an adoption placement without fully exploring your other choices as well.
Why do people choose adoption?
Most birthparents come to us because they love their child and realize that they are not ready to be the kind of parent they need to be at this time in their lives. A single mother may want her baby to have two stable parents. A couple may feel they’re too young or don’t have the financial resources to raise a child. Others want to complete their education. Sometimes even married birthparents may feel their relationship is not stable enough for a child or they cannot care for more children. Every birthparent is unique and every reason is unique. Only you can make the decision and whatever your reason, your decision will be respected. We realize that choosing adoption for your child is a very difficult decision. We want to support you as you explore your options and let you determine what is right for you at this time in your life. It takes courage and strength to be able to make this important decision.
Why do some people think that adoption is bad?
Adoption has changed a lot over time. In the past, adoption was considered to be a shameful secret and often even the adoptive children were not told about their birth families. Thankfully, adoption is now seen as a positive way to look at the needs of the birthparents, the adoptive parents, and most of all, the child being placed for adoption. More and more birthparents are choosing open adoptions, which allow them to have some measure of continuing contact with their child through the years. Some people think that a child is better off with family, with “blood,” or at least not placed with “strangers,” and this may be the case sometimes. However, in hundreds of adoption placements, we have seen that when birthparents are given control of their choices, and when birthparents connect with an adoptive family whom they trust and admire, the child thrives.
What are the differences between an open and a closed adoption?
In most states, there is no “legal” open adoption. There is no legally binding contract that requires the adoptive family to allow future contact with your child once they have legally adopted. That being said, many open adoptions still occur based on a verbal commitment between a birthparent and the adoptive parents. These agreements, based on mutual respect and trust are generally very positive and long lasting experiences.
In an open adoption, the birthparent will choose the adoptive family themselves, from a wide selection of loving waiting families. Birthparents will choose the amount of ongoing contact they wish to have. Some birthparents want to meet many times before the birth, while some birthparents are content to meet just once. Some birthparents prefer e-mail contact. After the birth, some birthparents want letters and pictures sent, while some birthparents would also like some visits, particularly in the child’s early years. The choice is up to the birthparents. Some adoptions become very open, with birthparents and adoptive parents exchanging last names, phone numbers and addresses, and even visiting in each other’s homes. Some adoptions are semi-open, with contact going through the agency office. Some birthparents prefer to have more of a closed adoption. They might choose the adoptive family, but then decide not to have any personal contact with the family or the child after they leave the hospital. MY CHOICE wholeheartedly supports open adoption if this is your choice, but also supports the need of some birthparents to have a more private, confidential adoption plan. Our birthparent counselor will provide you with information to help you decide what kind of adoption plan works best for you.
Is an open adoption confusing to my baby?
No. Your child will benefit in many ways from an open adoption. Your child will know the reasons for the adoption, and that you cared enough to want the very best for them. You child will have the opportunity to receive information about their biological family, including genealogy and medical information. Your child will have an opportunity for ongoing communication with you and the rest of their birth family. Your child can be surrounded and supported by the love of two wonderful families all their lives. What could be better than that?
Are there any costs to me?
There is no cost to you. MY CHOICE will pay for reasonable pregnancy-related expenses (housing, utilities, food, clothing, transportation), medical bills, legal fees, and consulting and counseling fees.
How do I go about choosing an adoptive family for my baby?
Your Birthparent Counselor will provide you with a number of family profiles after you let us know if you have any specific preferences for a family (i.e., religious background, educational background, childless or with other children, child care plan, degree of openness desired, etc.). We will keep giving you profiles to look at until you are satisfied with the family you choose. We generally find that after looking at some profiles, birthparents find that one family that just feels “right” to them, deep in their heart. This could be because of shared interests, common parenting philosophies, or just a general sense that this is the right family for their baby. This “heart connection” is the best way for you to find the perfect adoptive family for your baby. Once you have chosen a family, the Birthparent Counselor will give your background information (including pre-natal history, decisions about the degree of openness you wish, and a photo, if you are willing) to the adoptive family. Then we will begin planning a time for you to meet the adoptive family.
How will I know my baby is with a good family?
You will know because you choose them, meet them and get to know them. Even if you prefer not to have much contact, MY CHOICE screens and pre-qualifies every adoptive family that contracts with us. A licensed social worker will conduct a thorough home study evaluation and visit the adoptive family in their home to make sure it is a safe environment for your child. The home study includes assessments of their marital stability, financial situation, lifestyle and medical history. Then fingerprints will be taken to verify there is no record of criminal activity or child abuse. All of our families have also attended adoption classes and have been thoroughly educated about the importance of explaining adoption to your child in a positive and loving way. All of the families in the MY CHOICE program are committed to some degree of openness in their adoption agreement with birthparents, if this is what you would like. You can be assured that your baby will be raised within a loving and safe family environment.
If I have already had the baby or am in labor, can you work with me from the hospital?
We often receive calls from the hospital. We can show you adoptive family profiles right away, and quickly gather background information we need about you to proceed with an adoption plan. In most cases, the adoptive family will be able to take your baby home from the hospital, avoiding foster care. We have found that most birthparents want to be sure that their baby can start bonding with the adoptive family right away.
What if my child has a disability or medical problem?
This is clearly the worst nightmare of any parent, whether it is a birthparent or adoptive parent. You will need special support in this crisis, and our Birthparent Counselor will be here for you 24 hours a day. Some adoptive families may not be ready to take on this challenge, but there are many who are ready, willing and capable of parenting a handicapped or health-impaired infant. There is a home for every child with MY CHOICE.
My child is older. Do you have families that are interested in older children?
We have loving families seeking children of all ages and races and we will work hard to find just the right family for you. With the assistance of your Birthparent Counselor, you will be able to decide on the type of contact that will be best for your child after placement with the adoptive family. This is clearly a difficult situation, and utmost care will be taken to protect the needs of your child, as well as provide you with the emotional support you need to make this decision.
What are my legal rights in adoption?
As a birthparent, you will be fully informed of all your rights because we will connect you with an adoption attorney before placing your child. While the child will generally go directly from the hospital with the adoptive family, you will retain rights until you have signed legal paperwork. In most states, there will be some sort of waiting period, and then you will appear before a judge in completely private and neutral surroundings so that the judge can determine that you understand exactly what you are doing before you sign the adoption paperwork. No one will pressure you and everyone involved wants to make sure that you are very clear and comfortable with your adoption decision.
Do I have to tell the father of my baby?
If you know who the father is, and we can locate him, he does have a right to know about the adoption. Often, a birthfather is reluctant to agree to adoption at first, but when he is given information, he often responds well to the idea of openness, and realizes that he may not have the time or resources to parent the child. Usually he just needs reassurance that he will not be shut out of the process and can be involved if he chooses. We will speak to him for you if you would prefer, and we will guide him through his process. An attorney is also available to advise him of his rights and responsibilities and complete the necessary paperwork. If the birthfather is unknown, or cannot be found, our attorney has a legal process to handle that situation as well.
What will my child be told about me and the adoption?
The adoptive family will be given information about your background, family and medical history, interests and hobbies, and what you are like as a person. The family may also have met you and have pictures of you to share with your child. The adoptive family will have learned from their social worker how and when to share this information, and how to answer your child’s questions with love and sensitivity. They will explain the very difficult and unselfish decision you made when you decided adoption would be best for your child.
When I think of the baby I placed for adoption, how might I feel?
You’ll feel lots of things – love for your child, sadness for saying goodbye, peace that comes from knowing you made a selfless decision based on what you felt was best for your and your child at that time in your life. Though the grief and loss you feel when saying goodbye to your child is very real, time and the reminding yourself that you made a very difficult choice to give your child a better life will help get you through. You will need supportive friends and/or family during this time to be with you and just to listen. You will have access to you’re My Choice birthmother counselor or another counselor in your community for as long as you need. You will always be your baby’s birthmother and no adoption plan will ever change that. Your importance in your child’s life will be honored by the adoptive family you choose. Your child will always know that you loved them enough to put their needs ahead of your own out of love.
Will my child hate me for this decision?
No. After hundreds of adoptive placements, we have consistently found that adopted children do not harbor negative feelings toward their birthparents. When a placement is made, it is made out of love for the child. Most adopted children view their adoption as a fact of life and are told by their adoptive parents about the loving decision made by their birthparents.
How do I know that I won’t regret this decision?
There may always be a bit of sadness in your heart that circumstances for you were not different, and you will most likely always feel some kind of loss when you think about your baby, especially on birthdays and holidays. Placing your baby for adoption is a tough decision, the toughest decision you’ll ever have to make, and the grief and loss are real. There are no guarantees that with this decision, or with any major life decision, that there will be no regrets. But since 1988, My Choice has helped hundreds of birthparents like you with their pregnancy decisions. And they tell us that they feel good about their decision, especially when they have taken advantage of the opportunity to make their own adoption choices. Our most successful adoption stories all involve birthparents who form a close bond with adoptive parents, and who keep in contact with their child.
What is the next step?
You can start by emailing or calling us at the toll-free number listed above. Take a look at the Waiting Families posted on this website and select a few that seem right for you and your baby. We will be able to give you more details about the families after we hear from you. Some of our families may be unavailable because they have just been chosen by another birthparent, so we encourage you to have a few selected. As soon as you decide you want to move ahead with an adoption plan, we will begin gathering your background information and arranging for you to meet with the adoptive family. We look forward to hearing from you.
If you have any other questions, or want to talk to a Birthparent Counselor about an adoption plan, please click on Contact Us or call us at the toll-free number listed above, 1-800-773-9595. We will help you find PEACE OF MIND.